The 'Roommate Phase': How to Move from Co-Existing to Connecting Again
What is the roommate phase of relationships?
If you have been in a couple long enough or even know couples, you probably have heard about the roommate phase of a relationship. Not every relationship hits this phase, but it can be common in long term relationships to feel like you are just existing with your partner and not really connecting on a deeper level - like the way a couple would when they first start dating. The longer two people have been together, the more the routine comes to “what’s for dinner?” or “did you pay the electric bill?” rather than “how are you doing?” and “what’s something that has been on your mind lately you can’t seem to shake?” This can be a silent shift. One that comes without warning. It can often show up when you are navigating burgeoning careers, kids in sports and activities, and aging parents. I’m here to help you realize that this is completely normal. We put so much energy into all facets of our lives, and often the first thing to fall to the bottom of the list is our partner. I’m also here to say that this is completely reversible if you put in the steps to name it, tame it, and make a plan with your person. If you catch it early enough, the outcomes are generally very favorable and so rewarding. Read on to learn about how to recognize the patterns, when to seek professional help from a couples therapist (like myself), and things you can start doing today on your own.
4 Signs You’re Co-Existing Instead of Connecting
Here are four things you can pay attention to - do you fall into one or more of these categories?
The Logistical Loop: Is every conversation about logistics? Are you only checking in about kids, money, cleanliness or work schedules? Couples can easily find, as more and more stressors get added on, that the things you used to talk about just aren’t there anymore. If you’re noticing that every conversation and check-in is about something outside of the two of you - take stock and reflect on how long this has been going on.
More conflict or lack of conflict: If I say it once, I say it a million times in couples work - conflict is a vital sign. That doesn’t mean you should be fighting every day OR never fighting. But paying attention to how often conflict is showing up and how long it is lasting is so important. If you’re not connecting at a level beyond schedules and carpools, you’re gonna notice that conflict is going to enter the room with a fury or leave the room silently. This often happens because of too much time apart or because fighting becomes the way you start to connect. It can often mean (most often) “I miss you” more than anything else - it just comes out sounding like something entirely unpleasant.
Physical distance: You’re starting to notice that those longer kisses and hugs start to become more like pecks on the cheek or the infamous “ass out hug” where you pelvises and stomachs don’t touch - you know what I’m talking about. If your physical contact has started to dwindle or is non-existent, keep an eye on this. Even simply initiating a longer hug or longer kiss can help reduce stress, release oxytocin (the bonding hormone), and just feel damn good to be held or hold your person.
Loneliness Together: Maybe you feel more alone when you’re together than when you are apart. If the thought pattern comes up “I feel more calm when I’m by myself” - that’s a flag you want to pay close attention to. If it’s easier to navigate life separately because you feel more stressed when you are around your partner — that’s not a couple-ship. Remember, we are not wired as a species to be solo - we need connection to thrive (and survive). But we can easily be tricked into a mindset that partnership is harder than being alone. Partnership is hard, but if you can find your way back to connection all the other little champagne glasses in your personal champagne tower will be overflowing. (Mmmm champagne).
How Couples Therapy can help: Why “wait and see” doesn’t work.
What can often keep couples stuck in this pattern is that “it can wait” becomes far more important than “this is serious”. Sometimes this isn’t intentional and it’s built from a place that you know your partner loves you more than anything, so if anyone can understand this, it’s going to be them. Then you have two people doing this simultaneously (consciously or unconsciously) and there bears the fruit of the problem.
This can often be referred to as “emotional erosion”. Think about every time you don’t go in for the longer kiss or your partner doesn’t really want to know about your big project at work or doesn’t check in about your mom’s doctor’s appointment you had to go to- that all wears the couple away. That’s why this shift can be so silent and subtle. It might not feel glaring or hurtful in the moment, but it starts to build muscle memory. These are things that new couples are great at because we are trying to get to know a person - but when the dopamine (pleasure and reward hormone) wears off, we have to be so much more thoughtful and intentional about we interact with our lover.
What you also might notice is that as you wait for things to shift back, things just keep eroding. The Gottmans (renowned couples therapists and researchers) came up with the “4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse” - Defensiveness. Stonewalling. Criticism. and Contempt. I educate my couples on these and we pick apart how often these are showing up. We more importantly work on how to combat them. The longer a couple might wait to address connection - the more these horsemen might be showing up in every day interactions.
3 Ways Couples Therapy Can Help You Reconnect.
Let’s break the patterns. I help my couples recognize and define cycles that they may or may not be seeing. I’m a neutral referee with a dose of a reality. Everyone contributes to the problem, so this will take some time to be humble and recognize how you can contribute to the solution TOGETHER.
Start Creating “Bids for Connection”. The Gottmans defined this as any opportunity that your partner reaches out via conversation, touch, etc. and how you are paying attention to that and responding to it. It made my little therapist heart happy to see a recent Instagram trend about “the bird” - you might remember this. But basically, if you point out a lovely bird outside to your partner and they too look out the window and enjoy it with you (even if just for a mere moment) - that’s your partner accepting the bid. This isn’t just limited to bird watching, but all aspects of your life. If you are leaning into and paying attention to what is interesting to your person (even if you aren’t very interested by it) that’s what matters most. The Gottmans determined that the “masters of couples” are accepting bids 86%+ of the time and the “disasters of couples” are only doing this less than 36% if the time - and you can probably see why this is problematic.
Safe vulnerability. Couples therapy space gives you both a time to air your needs and wants. My goal is always to get my couples to a safe place where you can have this on your own, but couples therapy isn’t always for the most broken of couples. Sometimes even a few concentrated sessions where you can share openly and honestly for once in a long time can really help couples gain that safety again.
Rebuilding Communication Skills: Try this 10 minute exercise tonight.
Yep, you read right, just 10 minutes to start! Agree with your partner on a quiet time before you wind down for the evening and each pick one of these questions (or make up your own!) to explore together. Set a timer (or pay attention to the clock) and really practice not talking about the kids, schedules, or the dishes.
If we could hop on a plane tomorrow without consequence - where would we go?
What was your favorite date we ever had together?
What do you find exiting in life right now?
Is there a book or TV show you would want to read/watch together? And why?
Are the any current fears you want to share with me?
What is something you are looking forward to coming up?
What is something you are dreading coming up?
What is something you are really liking about me lately? What is something you are really liking about yourself lately?
See how far you can get with this exercise and see if you can repeat it a few times a week. Pro tip: try skipping the questions and just talk with one another without involving the business sides of the relationship.
Book a couples counseling session today!
Remember, you relationship isn’t broken - it’s just buried under the endless “to-do” list. A couples therapist can help give you the tools to dig yourself out.
You don’t have to navigate this alone - professional help does exist and I would be honored to be a part of your couple journey.
I am currently accepting clients for in-person and telehealth sessions in the Baltimore, Maryland area. Click the link below to set up a consult call and schedule a session. I look forward to hearing from you.
