Is it low libido or just life? 6 signs it might be time to see a sex therapist.
We just surpassed Valentine’s Day 2026 and that can hold a lot of pressure for relationships. You are not alone. A holiday that society has built around love, and hearts, and getting laid. That’s so much to hold for so many populations whether you are single, dating, newlywed or married for 20 years. In the social media age, we are often forced to compare ourselves to the next person or couple. It can be unfair and frustrating - especially when it comes to intimacy and sex.
I believe the truth is hard to find cause a couple could easily brag about their sex life to outside world, but for most couples the only people who know what is truly going on in the bed room, is the members of the relationship. And sometimes their sex therapist.
The other truth I believe, as a sex therapist, is that the ebb and flow of libido is normal. Say it out loud with me with a deep sigh. Normal. And we add in another person (or two or three or whatever) and navigating their libido often leads to a lot of heartache, headache, and questioning. If you feel stuck, one of the best things you can do is seek professional help. Sex therapists are trained professionals to help couples and individuals navigate the world of desire discrepancy and I personally do so with humor, shame-shedding, and a lot of practical tools.
6 signs it might be time to see a sex therapist…
So here are 6 things to be on the lookout for. Hopefully, this can help decide if seeking professional help for low libido (of yourself or your partner) is a good next step:
Communication: Have you noticed that communication with your partner(s) has gone out the window? This could look like more conflict because you’re not able to connect. It could look like (in your head) - “I really want to talk to them, but I’m really afraid of the response”. It could look like “I tried to talk with them, but they shut me down”. It could also look like - we are choosing to focus on so many other exterior facets of our life, but we silently avoid the fact that we are not being intimate. Be aware of how your communication is in the best of circumstances and how it looks now. Sex therapy is a lot about communication. Most couples (especially long term couples) find communication roadblocks along the way. Sex therapy is a place to learn how to communicate more effectively in this season of your relationship.
Lack of connection which increases conflict: You might notice that you and your partner are not connecting in other areas like sharing hobbies, interests, even just checking in about day to day life. You might be noticing that your lack of connection is increasing the conflict. Suddenly you and/or your partner is “knit picking” more. You notice you are fighting about the dishes more or who does what in the house. I often see in relationships that struggle to have more sex and intimacy that conflict becomes the only way you can communicate. A sex therapist can help identify or break you out of this negative feedback loop.
Low self-esteem: You may start to notice this in yourself or in the way your partner talks about themselves. When couples have low/no intimacy and sex - our brain starts to find a place to blame the lack of sex on. We all do it. Sometimes that blame is placed on ourselves. We notice we are far less confident in our looks, how we hold ourself, or even down to how we can perform at work, parenting, or managing the stress of life. It doesn’t always mean that having more intimacy will automatically fix this, but talking about it with a sex therapist will help us establish the explanations that hardly ever have to do with our exterior or interior appearance.
Avoidance: When low libido is in the chat, couples and folks can often avoid the conversation. Oftentimes because we are afraid of the answer. Avoidance can feel easy and hard all at the same time. Pay attention to if you or your partner are talking about everything but the intimacy in your relationship. Libido and sex can be a shameful topic to broach for so many of us. A sex therapist can help you learn how to ask the right questions and be a buffer when things get really hard. As a species, we avoid being uncomfortable for protection. But simply stated, avoidance will not be the inroad to change and growth. I know that’s hard - and a sex therapist can help soften any perceived blows coming you or your partner’s way.
You both agree there is a problem needing to be addressed. If you have moved past avoidance and are talking - thats great! But now maybe you find that you both know there is an issue and now what? We often are not taught in relationships how to solve a problem such as low libido and sex concerns. Let’s face it - depending on the family you grew up in, you might not have even learned about how to talk about sex on a fundamental level let alone problems with sex. A trained professional like a sex therapist can help you learn and learn with your partner about what you need to do to increase desire in manageable ways. We all want that “can’t wait to tear my clothes off you” kind of sex, but that might now be what you need.
Life Circumstances: We all get to a point in couples where its easier to do everything else than engage in intimacy. It’s the non-exhaustive list of life that is a libido killer. Think kids, cleanliness, aging parents, work stress, money - the list could go on for miles. Its the ye’old “we are just roommates and not lovers” complex. When mental load starts to creep in on how we interact with our partner, and especially how we interact with intimacy, a sex therapist can help you learn to manage and prioritize.
If any of these resonate with you, talk with your partner about sex therapy. If you still feel like you cannot talk with your partner, YOU can still work with a sex therapist to determine what the mental, emotional, or physical blocks could be. It’s the first step, either way, in the right direction.
Sex therapy myths, busted…
I would be remiss if I didn’t demystify what sex therapy is and what it isn’t. So here a few myths that I have debunked for you - with the hopes that this will lessen any initial fears.
Myth: I have to have sex in front of a sex therapist so that can critique and offer feedback. First of all, LOL and hell no. Sex therapy involves zero witnessing on my part of actual sexual acts. There is no physical touch from the therapist. The way I get a peek behind the curtain is by you (and/or your partner) inviting me to hear about your experiences. I may ask hard questions, but you will always have the right to defer (not avoid) if it’s too much. My goals is to help my clients feel comfortable talking about sex. I use a lot of trust, humor and collaboration - but never, ever will you have to perform anything sexual in front of me.
Myth: Sex therapy is all about performance. While part of this can be true, but it’s not all about performance. A lot of sex is about emotional connection. David Schnarch (intimacy and desire expert) defined intimacy not merely “as closeness, but as the brave act of allowing your partner to truly see you—vulnerabilities, flaws, and all—while you do the same for them.” We need intimacy to have great sex (even good sex) over time. Biology will play a role in intimacy like if there is any pain with intercourse or erectile/vaginal dysfunction - but it’s one part of creating meaningful sexual connections. Sex therapy will focus on all of it: biology and intimacy.
Myth: Sex therapy is raunchy. FALSE. Yes, we are talking about very intimate acts - but above all else, I’m a professional. I aim to use language that feels most comfortable for the client. Sometimes that can feel too technical or cold - but I will always ask your level of comfort with terms like masturbation, nicknames for body parts, or slang that you might want to use. It’s also about education. For example, most folks (including myself at times) will mislabel vulva for vagina. That’s OK - I know what you mean! Think of me as part high school sex ed teacher, part sexual health professional, and part therapist (and also part human). My overall goal is to be tasteful, professional, and respectful.
Next Steps!
Does any of this apply to you or to your relationship? Take some time to determine what your needs are and if sex therapy is a part of those goals. I work with couples and individuals alike and I’d love to invite you into my practice. As cliché as it might sound, it might not be easy work but it’ll be worth it. Everyone deserves to have the intimacy in their relationship that they want to have. Low libido is not a death sentence, but it can be an important vital sign.
Reach out today for a complimentary consult.
Diana Harden, LCPC is the owner of Harden Mental Health Services. She is a sex therapist and currently accepting new clients in the state of Maryland (in-person or telehealth) and Florida (telehealth only).